Just like always
by Flowerbudd
Summary: After Meredith recovers from the ferry boat incident, it's time to move on at Grace Seattle.Rated M for very very Mature content. Like very mature. Adult Warning
1. Chapter 1

"Soooo.. dish. You said we needed a night out with our person, and here we are. " Cristina looked at Meredith expectantly, taking a swig of her beer.

" Oh, you know, I just thought you wanted to talk about the getting married and stuff." Meredith told her friend with a nervous smile as she toyed with the neck of her beer bottle.

" Do I look stupid? You didn't ask me out to talk about me, you need to talk about you. So okay, whatever… talk."

Meredith sighed. Cristina could always read her like an open book. It was why she was her person. Looking around the quiet bar, she looked once more at her friend.

"Well you know I died. And then I wasn't dead anymore. And Derek is… well Derek is having a hard time about this. And I mean I can understand the whole being afraid of losing me, yadda yadda. But I mean well, here's the thing. And I can't believe I'm telling you this. Because it's not even an issue anymore, I mean it's totally a non-issue , its something that.. "

"Just tell me already" Cristina interrupted.

"Okay, Okay. Well that morning Derek thinks I tried to drown in the bathtub, because of my mother, and then he thinks.. I think he thinks, that I did this on purpose. And he's hovery, and and so , so always there. And always watching me, but not even like 'oh I want to get in your pants' watching me, it's a watching me like I'm going to swallow drano watching me. And he's very distracted. And I know its because of me. But I mean ok I did get tired and I did quit swimming, but I was pushed by a patient, and now I realize how stupid giving up was. And now I know I don't want to die.", she finished all in one breath, then took a long pull on her beer.

"Okay, so why don't you talk to him?" Cristina asked. She was surprised to hear that Meredith was saying she could have tried harder to get out the water. It made her chest ache to think about it. Part of her empathized with Dr. Shepherd, and she could understand where he was coming from.

"And say what? I mean , well and say what?" Meredith asked.

"I went a month without talking to Burke, don't ask me what to say." Cristina answered. She appraised her friend for a minute and then set her beer down and looked her full on in the face.

"Meredith, why in the hell would you quit swimming? That is so fucking stupid. I mean you finally were back with McDreamy. He's head over heels in love with you. You're on top of the intern game. You have great friends. What the fuck."

Meredith looked down , ashamed. " I just let what my mother say to me, affect me to much I guess. It was stupid I know that now. And I know how lucky I was too have the chance to fix it. "

"Then your only choice is to tell him." Cristina shrugged, problem was solved as far as she was concerned.

Meredith pursed her lips and thought for a minute, and then nodded. They exchanged a smile, before Cristina changed the subject. "We decided to get married with a JP, at city hall, and just you and McDreamy can be there. "

"Aww, you only get married once , you gotta have a wedding. Think of the agony your mother will be in. Think of the hell she will pay you back with. Besides you'll look hot in a wedding dress." Meredith raised her eyebrows.

Cristina nodded, mulling it over. "I dunno, I'll think about it."

"That's all I'm saying." Meredith agreed.

The two close friends sat together, gossiping, joking and forgetting their troubles.


	2. Chapter 2

Meredith checked her missed calls as she pulled into the driveway. It was two thirty am, she had turned off her cell, not wanting distractions , needing to just have time out with Cristina. Eight missed calls, Seven from Derek, one from Izzie. She would bet money that the Izzie call was prompted by Derek. She had told him she was going out with Cristina, and that she would be at the bar, that she didn't want to be disturbed. She needed some space. He'd said he understood. She was surprised he hadn't come down to Joe's. She looked to see when he had called last, one forty-five. That meant he was still up. Well sex was never a problem with them. She sighed as she unlocked the door, no damnit Cristina was right, they needed to talk. She needed to fix this. She needed to fix Derek. She couldn't go through the next forever and ever with Derek hovering over her like this. She set her purse down and shut the door behind her, locking it.

She climbed the stairs as quietly as possible and pushed her bedroom door open, after seeing all the lights off downstairs. Derek looked up from the medical journal he was reading on the bed.

"Hey." He said quietly, giving her a half hearted smile.

"Hey yourself." She said as she slipped off her shoes and walked over to him. She brushed his hair off his forehead and kissed him there.

"You didn't have to wait up." She started stripping, and changed to a t-shirt and yoga pants.

"I couldn't really sleep. Just used to you being here I guess." He shrugged and scooted over to make room for her as she climbed into bed beside him. She curled up next to him.

"Derek. So we need to talk. About what happened. About you.. and this .. whatever this is." She looked up at him.

Derek sighed. He knew she was right. He could tell he was starting to get to her. Izzie had given him a look of pity tonight. Him, Derek Shepherd... a renowned neurosurgeon. Pitied, by an intern. Pitied by anyone.

Derek sat up in bed and leaned against the wall. He pulled Meredith to sit on top of him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him before pulling back to look at him.

"So." She said, trailing off.

"So." He sighed.

"I died."

"You died." He affirmed. Shuddering as he said it.

"But... you saved me Derek. Like you said you always would. You saved me."

"No, Meredith. I did not save you. Richard pushed me out of that room. He left me to sit in the hallway on the ground, helpless to help you, unable to do anything for you. While you were on that table dead. And there wasn't a goddamned thing I could do about it. I did not save you," He looked away, past her at the wall.

"Derek." She brushed his cheek with the back of her hand, making him look at her. "You saved me Derek. You have no idea how much you saved me. I wouldn't be here. Because first off, I know it was you who pulled me out of the water. And.. and I … you are the one Derek who pulled me from that water, who went after me."

He nodded. He had dived in to find her. But it didn't make up for later, when he hadn't done anything to bring her back to life in the hospital.

"I didn't jump in there , in the sound."

He looked at her, "I didn't ever…"

She held a finger to his lips. "Shhh listen. I didn't jump Derek. I had this patient there on the edge, which was a stupid place to triage, I realize this now. And he had a laceration. I was trying to control the bleeding. The little girl, she was helping me open packages. I had put my coat on him. And I turned around and he must have flailed out, and he knocked me in, because the next thing I felt the cold air, and then the water engulfed me , and it was so cold. Like knives cutting into me. I couldn't breathe. All I saw was grey water. And the very tall wall, which I knew I couldn't possibly climb. Everytime I tried to open my mouth and scream I was swallowing more water. And I was so very cold, my arms and legs were getting numb. And I remember thinking, this can't be it, how can this be it, and then Derek I am ashamed to admit , I did I gave up. I just quit fighting. Because I didn't see how I was going to get out of there. If there was a dock, I didn't see it. All I could see was that concrete wall so many feet above me, and so far from where I had been swept. And I was so tired and cold, and the numbness felt better than fighting. " Meredith paused to wipe away a tear and take a breath before continuing, "I know you think I did it on purpose after the bathtub. I can understand why. I see how you watch me, like I might crack if you aren't there all the time. But something happened that made me realize that I don't want to die Derek. "

Derek smoothed her hair back from her eyes, using the pad of his thumb to wipe away an errant tear.

"What happened?" he asked her after a deep breath.

"You'll think I'm crazy. " she said half giggling, half sobbing.

Derek raised an eyebrow. "And I haven't already always thought that?"

She laughed and mock punched him in the arm. "You first. This is our cathawhatever. You need to talk about this too. What happened. "

Derek nodded, and sighed. His face turned serious. Reliving it was a lot different from vocalizing it.

"I was working, and then I just had this feeling. And I scanned to see where you were, and as I couldn't find you I knew it stronger and stronger that something had happened. When I saw that little girl just standing there, my heart sank. I asked her where you were, and all she would do is look at the sound. I asked her if you were in the water, and when she pointed and nodded, I didn't even hesitate, I just dove in. I didn't even realize how cold the water was, I was so intent on finding you. I don't know how long it took me." He pulled her close to him as he continued," I found you there, just floating, and I grabbed you and dragged you to the dock and stairs, and I remember carrying you out of the water, so limp and cold and blue… you weren't there. You were gone. I had never been so scared in my entire life. All the way to the hospital I did CPR. Until they pushed me out and took over. All I could think about was how lifeless you were. That you weren't even here anymore. And I remember thinking, How do I go on from here? I would never take my own life. But nothing would ever be the same. I realized that everything that I am, and ever will be, is wrapped up in you now. Being Derek, being a surgeon, working, everything about me hinges on you. And maybe that sounds co-dependant, but I think it's just that really rare once in a lifetime kind of love that you don't see that much. And to think about losing you killed all but the physical part of me. And then later, when you were okay, and I thought about it, to think that you would do that, take that away from me, petrified me more. Just to think that I could lose you to random circumstances was bad enough, but add to the fact that you might do it yourself." He shook his head, and buried his face into her hair.

"Derek. " She pulled him so he was looking into her eyes. "When I was gone, I realized that just a hint of you wasn't enough."

She laughed at his confused look.

"Okay fine, but if you think I'm crazy, just don't tell me allright. There were people there, when I was dead. Denny , Izzie's patient. And that girl Bonnie, who was on the pole that died the night you chose Addison. And the bomb squad guy who saved me. And Doc. Well he's not a people, but he was there. They were trying to talk to me about why I had quit fighting and was there, and how it wasn't my time. And you know me, denial queen. Until Denny got a whatever it is you get, a hint of Izzie. You don't feel, or see or hear them, you just get to have a hint, like an essence and it's very fast. And he was so wrapped up in it, and it meant so much to him, and I realized that's all there was. All I would get is hints of you. And that was NOT enough. And I got hysterical. And I said I have to go back, to Derek. Because Denny had told me that if I didn't come back I would change you forever, because you were the kind of person who still believed in true love, and if I didn't come back to you it would …. I just had to go back to you. And they told me they didn't know if I had enough time to go back when a door opened, and …" She started to cry.

Derek held her, crying a little himself at what he had heard so far. "Shhhh, it's okay." He rubbed her back in circles.

"It was my mother. She looked confused. Like she didn't know why she was there. And I went to her, and I said, 'you shouldn't be here' and she said I was the one who shouldn't be there. And she held me, and hugged me, and she was crying. And I could feel how much she loved me. And I knew from the way she was holding me I wasn't going to see her again. And she told me 'You are anything but ordinary' and then she told me to go, hurry, go. And I did, and then I was there with Cristina." She sobbed, letting out the anguish over her mother finally, as Derek held her crying too. Finally she lifted her head up, and wiped her eyes, and then smiled gently and wiped his when she saw he had been crying too. "So you see, I promise you that I will do everything in my power to stay here with you Derek Shepherd. And You have to promise me the same thing. But you don't have to worry anymore, or hover. Because I love you." And then she leaned in to kiss him.

Derek pulled back a little, and held her little cheek in his hand, "I love you too Meredith," he said in a husky whisper, before he claimed her lips in his.


	3. Chapter 3

Meredith groaned and rolled to hit the button the alarm clock. It was an obnoxiously loud alarm clock. She sometimes fantasized about slicing into with a scalpel and disembowelling all of its little whirligigs and clock parts. Silencing the evil machine, she closed her eyes again, not willing to wake up just yet. A pair of strong arms pulled her back into a warm cocoon.

"Mmmmmm." Derek muttered as he inhaled her hair, still sleeping.

"Derek, I have to get up." She sighed, trying to disentangle herself without waking him up too much. She hadn't checked his planner last night to see when he had to be in. She would check it before her shower and set the alarm for him. Scooting safely to the edge of the bed, she made her way to the bathroom. Toothbrush in hand, working on her teeth, she glanced at Derek's planner on the desk, and saw he didn't need to be in til 9.

She started the water to heat up and reset the alarm, pausing to glance at the man sleeping in her bed. He looked peaceful. His hair was bed mussed, but he was so handsome he took her breath away still. And he loved her. Not just loved her, he said his entire life was based around her now. That was pretty intense.

She stepped into the shower and closed her eyes, letting the hot water soak into her hair and wash away the tensions. All of a sudden a body pressed up against her, and lips travelled along her neck, raising gooseflesh, causing her to shriek in alarm.

"Derek! You scared me," she said, closing her eyes as his fingers brushed against her nipples and they hardened.

"I could feel you looking at me, and I thought you needed this maybe." He whispered into her ear, as he traced circles around her nipples.

"Oh really? " she moaned, arching back into him. He was using his lips and his teeth to nibble on her neck and shoulder, while he teased her breasts, his hands cupping their fullness, and stroking her nipples into taut pebbles of agony and pleasure.

"I have, um… " she trailed off as he dipped one hand to tease down her abdomen before he found what he sought. He used his fingers to stroke between the lips of her neatly shaven pussy, before rubbing her clitoris lightly and briefly with the pad of his index finger.

"You have what?" he asked innocently.

"God who cares." She sighed, trying to move her hands between them and grasp him. She could feel his hardness pressing against her.

He stroked his finger up and down, feeling her clit enlarge under his finger, her lips spreading apart as they swelled with blood. Her hips were moving of their own accord, pressing back into him. She was starting to make that sound in the back of her throat that drove him crazy. He turned her around, and running his hands through here hair and kissing her forcefully, before he turned her again the other way and pushed her against the wall of the shower. Taking her arms, he held them up over her head, flat on the wall.

"Please Derek," she pleaded with him.

"Please what?" he asked her, running his hands down her waist, cupping her ass in his hands.

"I want you." She told him. Spreading her legs. He moved between them, and braced himself on the wall with one hand, the other taking his throbbing cock in hand. He rubbed it between the junction of her thighs, enjoying the slick feel of her. The hot water from the shower was beating down on his back. He took his cock, and rubbed it up and down on her clit a few times, listening to her moan. Finally he guided into her tightness, from behind, feeling her pussy swallow him bit by bit. He pulled out almost all the way, slowly, and then pushed back in again. Taking his hand, he found her clit and nimbly worked it back and forth, stroking it the way he knew drove her crazy. He could feel her tightening around him. He started to drive into her faster, not going as far out , but going deeper, as deep as she could take him inside of her.

"Oh Fuck, Derek…. Fuck" she screamed as she started to cum, her pussy getting almost impossibly tight until he felt like he was going to die and he started to release inside of her. He rested his forehead on her while he continued to spasm inside of her, for what seemed like an eternity, until he felt completely spent and drained.

"Well Good morning to you too Dr Shepherd." She giggled, as he stood there collapsed against her, pushing her into the shower wall. " But I really do have rounds."

He felt shaky, but he stood up turning her around and kissing her. "Thank you."

"I'm the one who had the screaming orgasm " she reminded him.

"Mine was too intense for screaming." He joked. "And now I have to go back to bed, because my young intern is sapping me of life. I'll see you at work."

"K." she smiled, grabbing the shampoo to finish her shower. Derek stopped as he was getting out, and turned back to her, "I love you Mer."

She looked up and smiled , "I love you too."


End file.
